Outside, from the window ofmy living room, nature looks beautiful and enchanting. The leaves of the treesare dappled with late afternoon sunlight; the golden is soft and glowing, andhighlights the dark green strikingly. The sun hangs in a pale, washed-out bluesky, a bright orb suspended high above, whose radiance intimidates you, forcesyou to shield your eyes involuntarily. Birds chirp faintly in the distance, thesoft sound floating over to me on the stillness of the afternoon. I would goand sit outside right now, on the front steps of the porch. But it’s winter,and despite the sun, there’s a bitter chill permeating the air, causing me toabandon the idea. Nature is beautiful, but torturous as well. The greenery islush, the flowers are blooming, the soil is wet and freshly turned, and thegrass newly moved. But amidst the beauty, there is a certain distastefulness aswell, tainting the exquisiteness of the scenario. After all, the bees do sting,the mosquitoes do bite, the cold does dig in your bones cruelly, and the crowsdo caw evilly and whiz past dangerously close to your scalp, sharp talonsextended. Perhaps I am a pessimist, always seeking out the drawbacks, combing minutelyfor flaws, where others would simply be content to lean back and allow theblemishes to escape their notice. Not allowing myself to be contented with the veneerof perfection before me, I always attempt to crack it, to see the layers of rottingmisery underneath. Or maybe I am just a realist that sees both sides of thepicture, not blinded in the way that optimists are.
Today is the last day of2011, and right now I am reflective. I am remembering every little thing aboutthe past year, reliving it inexorably. I wish I could say otherwise, but thisyear has not been kind to me. However, I blame nobody but myself. Life is whatyou make it, and I chose to make this year terrible. It started out unconsciously,the errors made in innocence; but when the pieces started falling, I did notattempt to stem the flow, only sat back in guilty placidity, hands clasped, andwatched the dominoes topple over, one by one. Mistakes led to more mistakes,and before I knew it, they were mistakes no longer, only wrong actions and iniquitousdecisions executed deliberately and intentionally. I let my anger and sorrow overpowerme, allowed them to sweep me along in their wake. So sick at heart was I overwhat I had mistakenly done in the past, that I forgot that the future was stillfree and unencumbered with regrets. Ivow never to let that happen in 2012.
It is time for change. Ineed to believe that, otherwise I will never be able to get through the newyear. I know, with a certainty embedded deep in my bones, that I cannot endureanother year like this one. For my own sanity’s sake, I need to believe thatthe person I was this year is not the real me. Otherwise, I will abhor myself.And that would be the greatest tragedy of all, the point where all hope wouldactually become futile. And in all honestly, I do not believe that the person Iwas this year was the real me. If it had been me, I would have been happy withmyself. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t happy or delighted or even remotely satisfied. Iwas only discontent and repulsed. And that’s an encouraging sign! I should have been discontent and repulsed.If I hadn’t been, well then, that would have been a cause for proper, justifiedconcern. It would indicate that I was already past saving. But I’m boundlesslyhappy to acknowledge that I’m not. I can be saved, and will be saved, by no onebut myself.
Of course, the concept ofsaving myself does consist of all those basic goals, steady and reliable,unsurprising, predictable. Study harder, work more efficiently, try to eathealthier, exercise more regularly. I want to lose the extra weight I have beenlugging around with me for far too long, peel it off me like a snake sheddingold, deteriorating layers of skin. I also intend to continue writing in my journalfaithfully, as I have done for the past two years, and to blog with enhanced frequency.I want to interact more with other bloggers, gain new followers and discovermany more wonderful blogs. I want to read other blogs with an increased levelof devotion, involve myself more in other people’s lives, even if only indirectly,through reading about them, about what they have to say.
But other than thosesimpler, fundamental goals, I have more diverse ones as well, that are uniqueto me and my life. I pledge to finally finish my novel this year. Even if itsucks, even if I hate it, even if I think it is the worst piece of bullshit ever written in the history of literature, Iwill not abandon it. I have had one too many failed attempts. I will not leavea novel half-way through again. I haveto see it through to the end. Because knowing me, I will never be trulysatisfied with anything I like. So it’s time that I stop letting that be theinfluencing factor. Instead, I’ll put my own self-annihilating opinions into abox, lock it tightly, and toss the key down a metaphorical well. I also need tocontinue with my university applications with renewed enthusiasm, as opposed tothe lackluster, lethargic attitude I’ve been exhibiting towards the task lately.This year shall be the year of upheaval, of new beginnings. That will bebecause in this year, I’ll end A Levels, and embark on the universityadventure, an undertaking entirely and completely new. It will be the biggest,most shattering change ever for me. The first half of 2012 will be spentpreparing for the university experience, anticipating it eagerly, breathlessly,and the second half will consist of wallowing in it, reveling in the experienceitself, living it out. I have many roles in life, but at this stage in time,being a student is my primary one. Therefore, the university experience will bemy major experiment, terrifying and thrilling all at once.
2011 has not been a completewaste of time, however. It has allowed me to see certain pivotal realizations,and these shall be crucial in helping me to succeed in the coming year ahead.When you have an already existing model of all the things you are not supposedto you, then the plan for the entire year ahead suddenly becomes very focusedand clear-cut. Just do the opposite. In a nutshell, 2012will be the opposite of 2011. That’s my only aim, the only thing I will keeprepeating to myself when I forget what it is that I should do next. What to do? I wail in pitiful confusion. And the reply instantaneously bubbles to the surface, reassuring in its synchronized simplicity. Why, just the opposite of what you didlast year, silly!
2011 made me see importantthings that I would not have understood otherwise. It made me see firstly thatyou cannot run or hide from your problems, because they follow you around likeyour shadow. They are a part of you; you cannot slice them away from youwithout splintering yourself. And because your problems are in essence you,escape is impossible. You cannot escape yourself. No matter where you go, there you are.
This past year also made merealize the value of enjoying life. I spent the entire year so involved inplanning for the future, that I forgot about relishing the present. I unwittingly allowed myself to despise the present, which in turn, madeeverything bleaker, including my hopes for the future. It was a vicious cyclethat fed on itself, depression relentlessly leading to further depression,stretching on ahead with no possible end in sight. This year, I shall endeavour todestroy this cycle, rip it out from the root. As Vivian Greene famously said, “Lifeisn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in therain.” Such a soft, beautiful line! I’vealso realized that it’s true, what people say, about the fact that you thinkthat you want to die… but in reality, you just want to be saved. That’s sotrue. I’m never going to forget that simple actuality again.
In 2011, Alice InWonderland and I were one and the same. I had the same problem as her, aproblem that she outlined clearly, in the following lament: “That’s the troublewith me, I give myself very good advice, but I seldom follow it.” 2012 shall beall about following the advice I give myself. But I also promise to be lessharsh on myself, to expect less of me, to be gentler and less demanding. I don’twant to expect wonders from me all the time. I’m going to remember what JohnnyDepp declared: “We’re all damaged in our own way. Nobody’s perfect. I think we areall somewhat screwy, every single one of us.” And other than not expectingmyself to be untarnished, I’m not going to harbor unrealistic expectations aboutlife either, desiring it to be perfect or smooth all the time. As someonewisely and anonymously said, “Peace comes not from the absence of conflict inlife, but from the ability to cope with it.”
And in 2012, I will be stronger. Iwill learn to not fall apart or crumble at small, trivial things. I need toroll better with life’s little punches, take the curveballs it throws at me inmy stride. I did not accomplish that this past year, but I will do so now. Becauseas Albert Camus so poignantly said: “Blessed are the hearts that can bend; theyshall never be broken.”
Okay, I think I’veinsinuated more than enough quotes in my prose now. But I’m quotingothers to illustrate my opinions because they’ve already said all that I feel,expressed it in beautiful, all-encapsulating words. I couldn’t have said it allof it better myself, even if I’d tried. Finally, I will end this by announcingthat in 2012, I plan on behaving like a duck: it keeps calm and unruffled onthe surface, but paddles like hell underwater. A brilliant model of behavior, Ithink, and certainly one I would like to employ as well.
