Some tricky calculations and you are left with no school days!!!

There are 365 days in a year:

1. Sunday is a holiday and there are 52 sundays = 313 days left

2.Summer holidays = 50 which leaves 263 days

3.Eight hours of sleep every night = 122 days which leaves 141 days

4.One hour of play every day =15 days which leaves 126 days

5.Two hours daily for the meals = 20 days which leaves 96 days

6.One hour of communicating and socializing = 15 days which leaves 81 days

7.At least 35 days are passed in exams which leaves 46 days

8.Other holidays and public holidays are 40 which leaves 6 days

9.Three days of being sick which leaves 3 days

10.Two days for wedding or functions which leaves 1 day

That one day is my birthday so how can I pass in exams!!!

Bachey kiyun fail hotey hain

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Yasir Pirzada

I have enjoyed reading Yasir Pirzada‘s column whenever I got a chance because “you” comes in the middle of the week which means a roller coaster ride for me. Being a working mom of four kids, working days pass by without giving me moment of respite. I would like share his ‘Branded Pakistan’ with you …. I could not stop laughing at his narration of some of the ads.

On a serious note, Mr Yasir! in a  country of 170 million people only Faisal Qureshi and a few others, who can be counted on fingers make creative and interesting ads. Rest of the ads are either copied, bought or look like poor female modelling photoshoots! If nobody knows how creative advertising can be then who will build, market and brand Pakistan. Ah…Our beautiful and beloved Pakistan!

Branded Pakistan

by Yasir Pirzada

Let me share a ‘serious’ joke at the very outset. When a guy meets a woman and tells her ‘I am a great lover’, that is called marketing. When somebody else tells the woman about that man ‘trust me, he is a great lover’, that is called public relations. When the guy himself repeatedly tells the woman ‘I am a great lover, I am a great lover…’ that would be called advertising. But when the woman herself says ‘I understand you are a great lover’, that would be called branding!

Branding is a serious business and so is advertising. But unfortunately, the concept of advertising in Pakistan, like many other concepts, is not the same as it is in other countries. We make simple advertisements for the simple reason that we can’t make them creative. And branding, for sure, is not our cup of tea. Obviously, I am not talking about a few multinational companies who are very particular about branding. My concern is those types of ads, which, in the first place, are run on cable TV; and secondly, those non-stop repetitive programmes which are actually paid advertisements. However, if I were to choose between these two, I would go for cable TV Commercials (TVCs), at least they are humorous.

The best thing about cable TVCs is that they are cheap (means monetarily) plus they are hilarious. One of my favourite these days is TVC of a ‘Rent a Car’ company. It is simply unbeatable. The ad opens with a glimpse of vehicles decorated with flowers claiming it to be the largest network of rented cars in Pakistan. Then suddenly a family is shown coming out of a rickshaw; as soon as they step out of the rickshaw, the driver grabs the man for some unknown reason and then the lady (presumably man’s wife) interferes and tells the rickshaw driver to be ashamed of himself for being abusive to his ‘father-in-law’ (at least that’s what I have understood). Then a heavy weight model (seeing is believing) with straight hair, chips in and says ‘phone malayein (not milayein) aur gari mangayein!’ Then glimpses of the proprietor as well as his brothers and kids are shown who are smiling while looking at the camera (don’t know why) and then it is told that the proprietor is also the president of some kind of association. After that the scene changes and another family, this time a pretty decent couple, is shown with three kids. Wife is clad in a saree, who, after seeing a chauffer driven car, expresses her satisfaction to the husband and jumps into the car hurriedly. Then again, our heavy weight model comes in and says ‘safar key matabuq (not mutabiq) paisey manasub!’ Now I can’t narrate the remaining advertisement because I want you to watch it yourself and enjoy. This ad is only aired on TV in Lahore but because of its immense popularity now you can also search it on YouTube and many have even shared it on Facebook! Hats off to its director!

As far as long and repetitive paid programmes are concerned, I think these have proved to be beneficial only for the retired or flop film stars. An actor like Jackie Sheroff can be seen nowadays in one of such advts, marketing ‘joint pain medicines’. Similarly, Bhagia Shree, heroine of super doper hit ‘Meiney Pyar Kia’ is selling hair oil these days. The most annoying thing about these ads is their monotonous tone. I don’t know exactly how successful this marketing strategy is but I am sure these ads certainly attract people and that’s why these have been on air for such a long time.

Apart from these two categories of ads, there are certain ads which I simply hate to watch. One of them is a ‘cleaning toilet challenge’… and what a challenge that is! One of our TV stars is shown in the ad throwing a challenge to a group of housewives as to who can clean the toilet in a better way! Certainly our hero wins the ‘challenge’ and he proudly announces it at the end.

And lastly, I wish someone would come up with an advertisement that portrays a positive image of our country. We need it badly for our country. An ad that would brand our country in a way like a multinational brand its product successfully. If a multinational can do it for its ordinary products, why can’t it be done for a vibrant country like Pakistan! So let’s start building a ‘Branded Pakistan’.

The writer is a columnist, TV anchor and playwright and can be contacted at yasirpirzada1@gmail.com

“

The moment one switches on the TV sets and a Pakistani channel is tuned in, there is always something Indian running on it. From the morning shows to the late night ones, the hosts and actors are singing or dancing to some loud Bollywood cheesy number or then talking about them.

The strange trend of coming up with themed morning shows is not only something over the top but also disturbing. Big channels are hell bent on competing each other in being ahead when it comes to showing substandard brain dead morning shows. Being creative is one thing and being stupid totally another. I don’t get the idea of celebrating fake weddings with full zeal and zest at the very start of the day with jewelry and make up laden ‘geniuses’ hosting the entire drama. This was quite a ‘fad’ on almost all the channels a while back. Have they thought of ever watching Oprah Winfrey’s shows? Or maybe they are too busy ogling and drooling over what the handsome hunks and pretty babes are doing in India. Or else they could have learnt something from the always dressed in white Seemi Garwal shows (though even her pristine white is now wearing off!)

I fear that one day we as a nation will be singing melodramatic and tacky tunes than simply talking.  One of my friends living in the UK is the epitome of Bollywood for all she says has some reference or the other to the Indian film industry. Unfortunately it was only the other day that I read a headline that said that Bollywood is watched more than Hollywood and I fear it’s true.

I have nothing against India or Bollywood. I too have had my share of watching their movies but I have never seen the amount of obsession with everything Shahrukh khan or Salman khan or the oldie Bachan guy haunting our TV channels. One of the drama serials, that thankfully came to an end and is being on aired again, portrays a character, presumably ‘very funny’ idolizing Salman khan and hence wearing the same sun glasses as him and singing all his filmi songs from time to time. If it’s not our dramas and actors talking about the ‘oh so handsome’ and the ‘oh so sexy’ film personalities, then it’s the re runs of a year old award shows and a bit too loud glittering sets and dance numbers.

Regretfully even our news channels are not safe from the Bollywood fever.  The ‘tail end’ news in the headlines is bound to be something from across the border no matter how ridiculous. While studying the News Production in university our lecturer said that the tail news is added to lessen the seriousness and gravity of the previous news items.  There is this trend and then the horrible song being played in the background of certain news items e.g Nawaz Sharif and President Zardari’s clips edited together after the latest bombardment of statements at each other.

With new channels competing against each other at a faster spintop, there is also a need for these profit oriented businesses to think something ‘new’ instead of getting ‘inspired’ from everything filmi. There are a whole lot of quality programmes on our channels, no denying that but the obsession with any other industry be it Bollywood or Hollywood or Mollywood, it lessens the impact our productions are capable of making.

We don’t need to think in terms of what others have already produced. All we do today is either do parodies of already made films by other countries. If not that then dub them in Punjabi with farcical jokes or make remakes of all the latest Indian production.  Perhaps living in another dimension we could do nothing but make a copy of Ghagini, which was also a copy of Memento. We wait from our inspirational gurus to copy a brilliant idea from Hollywood so that we would then not have to use our own creativity.  This may sound like an echo heard a million times now, but yes there was a time in our television history when we produced dramas and they were watched and loved across the border. In fact there is a ‘remake’/inspired from the evergreen ‘Dhoop Kinaray’ soap running on an Indian channel these days. They are apparently so inspired by it that some of the scenes and dialogues are copied word to word! This says a lot. As of late we are doing quite well as far as our dramas are concerned especially recent productions have become talk of the town where ever Pakistanis are living. Give this a read.

Therefore if are capable of making quality production for TV then we can do it in Film too and also a bit more frequently rather than waiting for Shoaib Mansoor or hoping something good from Reema Khan’s ‘Lost in Love’ or Shan and Jugan Kazm’s what-was-that attempt at a movie! We necessarily don’t need to obsess ourselves with bolly, holly or nonnywoods, we have an identity and we need to stick to it in dramas, comedy, films and most of all news.

I present to you one of the most famous images of Steve Jobs. It always makes me wonder.

It is not the eyes and that very subtle smirk on his face. It is that hand. That hand in front of his face, which seems to be supporting his chin. I have stared at it, and wondered, and questioned it. It baffles me. I have no answer to it, but I present to you a few theories:

– He just had a zit on his chin and wanted to hide it.
– He was developing a bald patch on his chin, and wanted to hide it.
– His hand is making the motion ASIAN (desi) people make to indicate the word ‘money’.
– His hand forms a triangle, which signifies the pyramids and the all seeing eye on top of the pyramid, and hence only fuels all the conspiracy theories about his products having a single ‘i’ in front of them.
– His beard is not real, and it is a wig, and was falling off and he is trying to hold it in place.
– If you look closely, it is evident that this is not his own hand. It is somebody else’s hand. This is the only way he could allow his secret love-child to become a part of history.
– Following on the other hand theory, Steve Jobs was asleep and the hand was required to keep him up.
– He had just hurt his thumb using a hammer and had been sucking it. He only took it out for the picture.
– He was giving a thumbs up and the picture was taken a few precious moments before, but turned out so good they decided to keep it.
– He had ripped his shirt or dropped something on his shirt and was trying to hide the stain.
– He had a coffee and the seat was steaming up his glasses, so he held his hand over it to stop it from doing so.
– He was really mad at the photographer and was just forming a punch.

I leave you with these thoughts. Feel free to add some of your own.

PS. And yes, I know the Steve Jobs posts have been and gone, but here is my piece on it, which should hopefully be taken in the right spirit.

Spats, brawls, scuffles, tiffs and quibbles: call them what you want but 2011 was full of confrontations and Newsline recaps the biggest face-offs of 2011.

A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?”
“Because I need to” she said.
“I don’t understand,” he said.
… His mother just hugged him and said, “And you never will.”
Later the little boy asked his father, “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?”
“All women cry for no reason,” his dad answered carelessly.
The little boy, still wondering why women cry, finally asked the old wise shaikh (scholar). “He surely knows the answer”, he thought.
“Ya Shaikh! Why do women cry so easily?”
The Shaikh answered:
“When Allah made the woman she had to be special. He made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
He gave an inner strength to endure both childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
He gave her a toughness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
He gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child hurts her badly.
He gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. He gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And lastly, He gave her a tear. This is hers and only hers exclusively to use whenever she needs it. She needs no reason, no explanation, its hers.
You see my son, the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the beauty of her face, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is her piety and must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart – the place where love resides.”

“This world is just temporary conveniences, and the best comfort in this world is a righteous woman.” Sahih Muslim 10/56, Kitab al-rida’, bab istihbab nikah al-bikr.

A top ten make-believe resolutions list of Pakistani politicians and celebrities.