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Don’t worry if you haven’t got time to listen to the fulfil their media obligations. Just pick one from each section of our automated interview response generator.

Introductory remark
To be fair
Obviously
Very much so
For me
Look
As I say
Being honest
In all fairness
I’d be lying if I said
We acknowledge
Of course

Individual
Monty
Straussy
Cooky
Trotty
Poor old Ravi
Belly
Finny
Priory (wicketkeeper, not depression place)
KP
Morgs
Broady
Jimmy
Swanny
Andy Flower
Giles Clarke

Acknowledgement
Is struggling with
Is suffering from
Is finding difficulties
Acknowledges he has a weakness with regards to
Is working hard on
Has done fantastically with
Puts an enormous amount of work into
Practices night and day on
Trains as hard as anyone with
Would be the first to admit that he’s isn’t
Is holding his hand up and admitting he’s
Has recently developed a problem with

Issue
Picking the doosra
Picking the straight one
Scoring against spinners
Hitting the ball
Missing Goochie
Drinking the water
Eating the food
Keeping anything down
Adapting to the hot weather in the UAE
Adapting to the cold weather in the UAE
Rushing to the loo every five minutes
Missing his family
Missing his dog
Missing EastEnders
Travelling poorly
Being out of the side
Being in the side
Dealing with depression
Undergoing an existential crisis
Being unable to catch
Finding Swanny’s banter a bit trying
Thinking KP should pipe down
Bantering on Twitter
Plugging his sponsors’ products
Having nightmares about mystery spinners
Understanding the DRS
Dealing with the media

But on the positive side…

Group
The guys
The bowling unit
The batting unit
The fielding unit
The bathroom unit
The batters
The bowlers
The coach
The captain
The senior players
The leadership group
Our friends and families
Cricket as a whole
The sporting community
The staff at the hotel
The medical staff
The Ashley Gileses of this world
The whole team
The whole squad
The whole squad and the backroom staff
The whole squad and the backroom staff and everyone connected with Team England

…is/are…

Action words and phrases
Communicating
Focusing
Being aggressive
Being supportive
Encouraging
Supporting each other
Concentrating hard
Being decisive
Working together
Sticking together
Concentrating on the basics
Hitting the right areas
Not allowing themselves to get sidetracked
Doing the simple things well
Relaxing on the golf course
Relaxing with the Xbox
Getting away from the game
Enjoying a night out
Visualising success

…to…

Dynamic closing statement
End this tour on a high
Take a long hard look a ourselves
Go into the one-day series with some momentum
Silence a few critics
Help him get over this bad patch
Realise that we have not become a bad team overnight
Take the positives from the situation
Iron out what we are sure is just a blip
Support our team-mate in this tough time
Show him that we are right behind him
Put these bad results behind us
Play with a smile on our face
Rise to the challenge
Show why we got to number one in the first place
End the Test series with a win
Restore some pride
And give ourselves something to build on

Example one
Look
Morgs
acknowledges he has a weakness with regards to
hitting the ball
but on the positive side
the whole squad and the backroom staff and everyone connected with Team England
are
working together
to
iron out what we are sure is just a blip

Example two
In all fairness
Cooky
is holding his hand up and admitting he’s
missing Goochie
but on the positive side
our friends and families
are
working together
to
show that we are right behind him

Example three
Of course
Belly
puts an enormous amount of work into
rushing to the loo every five minutes
but on the positive side
the bathroom unit
is
being supportive
to
help him get over this bad patch

“History does not repeat itself. It rhymes.” — Mark Twain

The funny thing about England-Pakistan cricket is that is has essentially become a caricature of itself. Even when everyone, cognizant of the history between the sides, tries to turn the temperature down and take the steam out of relations, some conflict has to arise. It’s almost like it cannot be helped. It is the Groundhog Day of cricket series.

We’ve seen this movie before, right? Pakistan defeats England using a skill the latter cannot understand, much less execute. Whispers begin, aspersions are cast. First, we only kick their ass thanks to biased home umpires (I am sure David Constant and the Palmer brothers were paragons of fairness and impartiality). Then we only kick their asses because we tamper with the ball (never mind that Wasim and Waqar, as Geoff Boycott memorably claimed, would have bowled England out using an orange). And now we’re only kicking their asses because our best bowler is a chucker.

Is this an unfair reading of the last two days? I would submit to you that it is not. As long as Bob Willis and a bunch of internet warriors on comment boards were the only ones making the case that Ajmal is bowling illegally, I let it slide. Who cares what an old crank and online nobodies think?

But once Andy Flower waded in, well, that’s a whole other issue. When he says what he did — and please, do not let his clever way of phrasing his accusation of cheating distract from the fact that it was an accusation of cheating — it represents an escalation. Andy Flower is the England coach. He speaks for England.

Of course, it’s important to note that other personalities who speak for England, from Matt Prior to Andrew Strauss, have (publicly) denied that there’s anything to complain about Ajmal’s action. Media men and ex-cricketers such as Nasser Hussain have (guardedly) backed Ajmal. So this is not a full-court assault as 1992 was. But it doesn’t have to be to leave a very bitter taste in Pakistan fans’ mouths.

The worst thing about this situation is the nature of the target. I can’t think of a single more genial, big-hearted, fun guy than Saeed Ajmal. He always plays the game with a smile on his face. His interviews have achieved cult-like status on Youtube. He’s just a genuine dude. I challenge you to watch this bit of an interview Ajmal did on Geo, and not feel equal parts love and affection (for Ajmal) and contempt (for the host), as Ajmal talks about his dad dying (starts around 32:00).

Ajmal has actually had a very un-Pakistani route to stardom. For one thing, he’s a spinner. I can’t think of a single other instance in our history when our best bowler was a spinner; it’s just not the way things are done in Pakistan. For another, he didn’t break into the team until he was past 30. When you juxtapose that with the fact that, on the list of the youngest test debutants of all time, Pakistanis occupy the top three spots, and ten of the top twenty, Ajmal’s uniqueness becomes clear.

I should also note that Ajmal is in a run of form rivalled by few Pakistani spinners, ever. In that sense, the timing of these complaints is, shall we say, more than convenient. Abdul Qadir is universally (and I believe wrongly) thought of as Pakistan’s best ever spinner; Ajmal is ranked higher than Qadir ever was, and has more ratings points than Qadir ever did.

Source: ICC rankings

His comparisons with Saqlain Mushtaq and Mushtaq Ahmed (criminally underrated by Pakistani fans, even retrospectively) are also interesting viewing. Saqlain never had a ranking as high as Ajmal, for whatever it’s worth. Mushtaq did; he was the world’s best bowler at one time.

Source: ICC rankings

Source: ICC rankings

I may be tempting fate here, but I really don’t think this chucking hullabaloo is likely to effect Ajmal. He may have a friendly exterior but the dude has balls of steel. He had the mental strength to stay with cricket despite not making it until an age when most Pakistanis are retired. He had the mental strength to deal with family tragedies and carry on playing for Pakistan. He had the mental strength to recover from that Hussey innings. He stood up to some fearsome fast bowling on England’s last tour, with essentially no batting technique or talent, and made a fifty accompanied by a host of bruises all over his body. He’s dealt with chucking allegations before. This is not going to faze him.

Hero. Photo: AP/Matt Dunham

But Ajmal’s ability to withstand this assault is, in many ways, besides the point. The crux of the issue is the presence of the assault in the first place. Why did Flower say what he did? Did he really think the perceived benefit of playing mindgames was worth the cost, given our history with England? Does he care?

Here’s what I want to happen: Ajmal to take another 10-fer in Sharjah. Ajmal to walk off the ground with the ball raised in his palm. And Ajmal to look up at the English dressing room and smile that Duncan Fletcher smile that so incensed Ricky Ponting in 2005. That would be sweet.

KARACHI: Pakistan’s cricket board on Sunday said it has invited former World Cup winning Sri Lanka coach Dav Whatmore to finalise his appointment as head coach of the national team, an official said.

Pakistan cricket team is without a full time coach since former paceman Waqar Younis left the post in September citing health problems.

“We are in the process of finalising the appointment and in this regard are in discussions with Whatmore,” Pakistan Cricket Board chief operating officer Subhan Ahmed told local media on Sunday.

Whatmore is expected to reach Pakistan in second week of January, he added.

Former opening batsman Mohsin Khan has been serving as interim coach and was retained for Pakistan’s series next month against England in the United Arab Emirates.

The 57-year-old Whatmore, who played for Australia in the late 1970s and early 1980s, is regarded as one of the most successful coaches in international cricket, having guided Sri Lanka to the World Cup title in 1996.

He subsequently enjoyed a successful coaching spell with Bangladesh and is currently in charge of the Kolkata Knight Riders in the Indian Premier League.

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